photo

Yes, I have a 9 to 5 job. I do wish that I lived in a rent free tree house with a tiny easy-bake oven to make delicious treats with and I could write my blog and eat muffins all day but I need things to live like toothpaste, underwear and sherbet and I only earn around eighty-three cents a day from my blog and that barely covers my sherbet so that explains the whole full time job thing.

To be honest it’s not too bad. I have a delightful work buddy (Browny) and the work itself is rather interesting and rewarding. Unfortunately this work requires people to submit application forms. Now we all know that Bitch Face Smaggle rears her ugly head at least once a week but everyday I’m having serious issues with people who CAN’T FILL OUT APPLICATION FORMS. It’s really not that hard. Here a few tips for those people who can’t seem to follow simple instructions.

* Write your given name in the section that says ‘given name’. Write your family name in the section that says ‘family name’. Your given name is your first name, the name that people call you most of the time. And your family name? That’s the other name that you have and it’s generally the same as all, if not some, of your immediate family members. If you’re still having issues with this incredibly complicated task you can always check your passport, birth certificate or marriage certificate. Any of these documents will hold the answer. And no, I don’t know whether or not you changed your name when you got married. That’s a really stupid question.

* 2008 is not the year that you were born.

* Similarly, 21 Loser Street is not your address. Do you mean Loser Street in Dicktown? Or Loser Street in Stupidville? Postcode? State? And you wonder why you never receive mail from us.

* ++66114363 789 5873 12354 - That’s not your phone number. It might be what shows up when you call a mobile phone from Alaska but it’s not an actual dial-able number.

* When we ask who your next of kin is we generally require more information that ‘my mum’.

* If you could refrain from eating, cooking or spitting curry on your application form I’d appreciate it. Diarrhoea coloured smears upset me.

* I’m sorry but sometimes I can’t tell if you are male or female from your photo. That’s why I need you to tick the male or female box. Your gender is not a secret. Just tick a bloody box.

* You should only tick the box on the checklist if you have actually completed the task. Ticking the box will not photocopy your passport or certify it. And ticking the box will not make me think that you have done this. DO IT and then tick the box, you self-satisfying weirdo.

* Fold your application and place it neatly in the envelope. Don’t scrunch it up in your hand, cram it in a too small post pack and tape it to within an inch of it’s life so I receive a lumpy package that, quite frankly, looks like a bomb. It’s really unnerving.

What’s got your goat today my love?

Love Lady Smaggle

P.S I’ve changed ‘Hava-Rant’ to ‘Have A Rant’. I’ve developed a serious aversion to this kind of language butchering. Like ‘Kiddie Korner’ and ‘Chickin-2-Go’. It’s not clever, it’s not witty and I apologise for subjecting you all to it for so long.

Today was totally mental. I worked all day and then went straight to rehearsal and it was crazy. I walked off stage after my first scene and stepped right on the smoke machine remote control which started the machine spewing smoke right in the middle of a really inappropriate scene. Instead of being pro-active and trying to turn it off I just stood there pointing at it and saying ‘Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit….’. Seriously. Someone get me out of the bloody theatre. 

* Pants from DFO in Melbourne

* Black lace, high necked top thrifted

* Top from Cowboys and Angels

* Shoes from Big W

Must sleep… my head is spinning. 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Print from matteart at Etsy

* Waking up with the sun on a gorgeous Sunday morning, wearing nothing but vanilla scented oil, stretched out in crisp cotton sheets, listening to Jack Johnson.

* Sharing pink champagne with one of my favourite ladies on a warm Saturday evening at a stone tuscan table, eating spring rolls.

* A tiny bag of delightful presents from Mr Smaggle from Japan. Geisha pens, a scarf, a key ring and a tiny purse. Delightful!

* Not having just one best girl friend but having about ten instead.

* Apple cider.

* Spending a truly beautiful Sunday locked in a darkened and chilly theatre… and loving every second.

* Catching up with my wife Browny after being away from her for a week.

* Boys who wear jaunty hats.

* Mama Smaggle letting Daddy Smaggle do the grocery shopping and him returning with fresh fruit, dried fruit, fruit toast, fruit slice, fruit cake and fruit and nut chocolate. Bless.

* Sharing sneaky chocolate feasts with friends and greedily not sharing with anyone else.

* Icy cold lime and mint frappes served by a cute boy with thick glasses and thousands of piercings.

What’s tickling your fancy today…?

For Becky…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx 

I’m off to Melbourne for the next two days to have a little shop, catch up with some friends and to go to the NMIT Jewellery exhibition. 

Back on Thursday… lets hope Facehunter finds me down there!

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

My parents have sold the Smaggle castle right out from underneath me and I have to have all my scarves, shoes, bangles and books packed away within a week. What’s a girl to do? Procrastinate like a little bitch by dressing up and frolicking in the mess of course. Here’s a little tribute to my two favourite places in the whole house….

My bedroom

I have lived in this room since I was 9 years old. The white carpet is covered with glitter and eyeliner and the walls hold the marks of impromptu Flash Dance impersonations, failed cartwheel attempts and over-heated fragrant oil explosions. The window is framed with ivy leaves and the walls are painted a dark, sultry pink. If these walls could talk… I imagine they’d say the most extraordinary things about your Lady Smaggle. She never cries in public, she looks at herself in the mirror when she talks on the phone, when she’s really happy she says it out loud even if she’s alone and she does a fabulous Phantom of the Opera… complete with cape and mask. 

The Bathroom

Can I tell you a secret? I have baths ALL THE TIME. At least three times a week. I take piles of books, fill the bath with bubbles and oils and sit in the delicious warmth until I wrinkle like a prune. This bath is incredible. It’s really long and really deep so you’re completely covered. I was terrified of this bath as a child and now I don’t quite know how I’ll live with out it. I know I sound dramatic but it’s my safety blanket. Imagine if someone took away the ocean? Or chocolate? Or romantic comedies? It’s my haven where I escape for a few hours and when I emerge the world is bright again. Keep your fingers crossed for me that one day I’ll live in a house with a perfect bath again. 

And my boxes still aren’t packed…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Foto_decadent

Why don’t you…

* Wear brilliant sparkling eyeshadow and encrust your lids with tiny jewels? In turquoise and magenta gems?

* Sweep your hair into a tatty mess and decorate it with brittle willow twigs? Make your head an inviting home for tiny bird friends?

* Wear an extraordinary ball gown to work and bind your waist tightly with a men’s cummerbund? Pin a Christmas decoration to your wasp-like waist?

* Cover your face in the palest of powder and white out your lips with a matte concealer? Make your face look like a photograph stripped of pigment?

* Wear black gloves with the pinky finger cut off? Exposing tiny scarlet-painted nails?

* Wear every piece of neck attire that you own - necklaces, ties, scarves, collars -  everywhere but around your neck? A bow tie on your wrist? A string of pearls around your head? A mess of metal chain pinned to your jacket collar?

* Take to never wearing street clothes in your own home? Perhaps don a Japanese-style robe and turban? A caftan and some bangles? A vintage slip with woolly knee-high socks?

* Wear a wig?

* Paint a tiny pattern of fleurdelis with liquid eyeliner? Just beneath your eye?

* Wear a patterned t-shirt backwards? Keep your front persona completely clean and decorate your back so you leave a lasting impression as you walk away?

In loving memory of Diana Vreeland

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Today was really busy. I had rehearsal all morning and then I ran quickly to my friend’s house for Melbourne Cup day lunch. We had a sweep and I won first and third prize! Then Mr Smaggle and I walked to the shops, rented a terrible DVD and got Vietnamese takeaway. I’m back at work tomorrow after a mini break and I’m really not looking forward to it…

* Pants from Felt

* Singlet top from Cowboys and Angels

* Top thrifted

* Shoes from Big W

* Ring Smaggle made

* Ring Dinosaur designs

* Dinosaur necklace and fortune teller necklace gifts from friends

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

For those of you who read Smaggle regularly, you will know that I need to have organisation in my life. And it will come as no surprise that I put together the most essential item that every good bridesmaid needs. The Emergency Bridal Bag. This tiny treasure trove of treats looks like a normal evening bag but contains everything that a blushing bride may need in an emergency. And believe me we used almost everything in the bag…

* Gel pads and gel strips - The secret with shoe gel pads is not to use them straight away. They are pain relieving pads, they are not preventative. We were very grateful for these little gems before we went dancing after the reception. 

* Rescue remedy - As the bridal party was very actor heavy it was essential to have a herbal relaxant that we use when we do plays. A few drops on everyone’s tongue and we were calm and collected for the walk down the aisle. 

* Swiss card - The swiss card contains tweezers, a pen, a nail file, mini scissors and a little knife. The scissors were used to snip a few loose threads from our bouquets. 

* Tampons and panty liners - These were the most useful item in the bag. For obvious reasons. 

* Bobby pins and safety pins - NEVER, I repeat NEVER, underestimate the importance of the safety pin.

* Band-aids - Obviously.

* Mints - Very handy. Weddings are very kissy events. 

* Wedding coloured needle and thread - I didn’t actually have to use this but I would have cried if I needed it and didn’t have it. 

* Eyeliner and mascara - For mid-evening touch ups.

* Mini jewellery pliers - Everyone laughed at me for packing these but they were used TWICE!!! This may be a soon-to-be jewellery designer speaking here but accessories are like the icing on the sartorial cake. One must always be prepared for the icing to melt…

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

It was spectacular. Here are a few highlights of the day…

* The delicious lunch of crusty bread and fetta that we ate while drinking champagne and getting ready.

* The fact that everyone laughed at me for packing mini jewellery pliers in my emergency bridesmaid’s bag and I actually used them twice. Fuckers.

* The bride was calm and collected all afternoon and we weren’t late for the ceremony.

* Seeing my friends that I haven’t seen for two years who came over from LA for the wedding. 

* Having an incredibly inappropriate and drunken conversation with the groom’s father.

* The bride’s brother surprising the new couple by playing a beautiful song on the guitar before dinner.

* Making it (almost) through the evening with out crying. A beautiful acapella song about millions of kisses was my undoing. 

* Being on the bridal table which meant that every time I emptied my wine glass it was full again before I even put it down.

* The bridemaids’ speech was a hit and we collectively got slaughtered once our duties were complete.

Everything went according to plan (except the whole Lady Smaggle getting royally plastered and breaking her 2 year vomit-free streak thing. I’m such a trash bag) and I’m so delighted for the bride and groom. It was a very special wedding to be a part of and it was truly an extraordinary evening. 

Here are a few bridal party shots that Mr Smaggle snapped while we were waiting for the photographer. More photos coming soon…

Lady Smaggle and Molla. He is the gentle giant of our group and was my partner in the wedding. 

Ted and Jobbo. Ted was my fellow bridemaid and I would have been lost without her in the last few months. Jobbo is a big goofball and kept trying to make me laugh during the ceremony.

Dave and Az. Dave was the other ‘bridesmate’ and he is also the boyfriend of Ted, the other bridesmaid. It’s all very confusing. Az is my best mate. The two of them were partners in the wedding which we all thought was hilarious. 

The earrings that I designed and made for the wedding. 

Daily outfit shot. 

Today was pretty hideous. I spent most of the morning with my head in the toilet and most of the afternoon sleeping on the couch. I’m currently watching 90210 Season 4, listening to the rain outside and waiting for Mr Smaggle to make me a hot chocolate. 

How was your weekend my little chicken pot pie?

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx

Okay. Here’s my completed bridesmaid tasks all ticked off the night before the wedding…

* I’ve had a manicure, pedicure, bikini wax and leg wax

* I’ve plucked my eyebrows, exfoliated and moisturized both my face and body 

* I’ve done a hair treatment and drowned it in leave in conditioner

* The bridesmaids dresses are ironed and hanging up

* The wedding jewellery is made 

* I have our evening bags all packed

* The wedding present is wrapped and ready to go

* The bride is calm

* I’ve had a cup of tea and now I’m ready for bed

Wish me luck ladies! I’ll have photos for you all next week! 

Love Lady Smaggle

xxx